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Hand

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Everything posted by Hand

  1. Let me get this straight....You guys are dancing in the streets about lower taxes? What did you do, dress up like "injuns" and throw boxes of tea into the harbor? All of you need hobbies. Bad.
  2. chc is absolutely right. It needs something random in there. Something like: I like pork I like ham Put them together and you got spam...
  3. A group of words with no notation or melody that hasn't been ever sung or perhaps cannot be sung...That's what we call a poem.
  4. Hey guys! If I hate a song, I HATE it and want it to vanish off the face of the earth. If somebody else is around me and they like the song in question, I will take the song apart lyric by lyric. It usually drives the person nuts. And since I'm a sick and twisted person, I shall do it on here as well. In fact you're welcome to join me in tearing apart songs you hate. I'll start. Here is a song that I absolutely detest: "All I Want To Do" by Heart It was a rainy night when he came into sight (Out driving on a rainy night...what could possibly go wrong here? Oh wait, what's that guy doing over there?) Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat (Obviously a crazy man) So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride (Stupid woman...letting a crazed maniac in your car.) He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while (Of course he's smiling...he's thinking of how he's going to strangle you and bury your body in a field somewhere) I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain (Oh good move there, if you somehow survive this ordeal, you won't have a name to give the cops) Fate tell me it's right, is this love at first sight (I think that perhaps you should be asking something else besides fate for advice. Fate would seem to have a chainsaw and a shallow grave in your future) Please don't make it wrong, just stay for the night (Don't make it wrong? How on earth could you make this right in any sense of the word? Picking up strange men who are underdressed in the rain and inviting them to spend the night with you? FOR WHAT?!) All I wanna do is make love to you (Oh, that...you nymphomaniacal idiot.) Say you will you want me too (He wants you alright...wants you dead) All I wanna do is make love to you (Yes you said that already) I've got lovin' arms to hold on to (Not for long...And don't get too attached (HAHA!) to the rest of your limbs either) So we found this hotel, it was a place I knew well (A place you knew well? Jeez...how many hitchhikers does this slut pick-up?) We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right (If by "We made magic" you mean "made grunting farm animal sounds" and "an unhealthy exchange of bodily fluids through unprotected sex" then yes, I guess you could say that. And how did he do everything right? By not killing you?) He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily (I'm surprised he didn't bring the vital organs out of you, so many times, messily) And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note (You screw the guy, leave him in a cheap hotel in the middle of NOWHERE with no way back and all you do is leave him a note? Slut...) I told him I am the flower you are the seed (I have no idea what this nonsense is about...maybe she gave him crabs) We walked in the garden we planted a tree (Yep...crabs it is.) Don't try to find me, please don't you dare (Oh she most definitely gave him crabs and she's trying to cover her butt.) Just live in my memory, you'll always be there (Yeah, he'll be in the memory alright...with an itchy groin.) All I wanna do is make love to you (We've already been through this...) One night of love was all we knew (Love 'em and leave 'em huh?...whore.) All I wanna do is make love to you (Yes, yes we know....) I've got lovin' arms to hold on to (Oh shut up already) Oh, oooh, we made love (Did you now?) Love like strangers (Strangers, monkeys, lemurs...whatever you want to call it...) All night long (Oh come on already...stop bragging.) We made love (WE GOT THE PICTURE ALREADY!!!) Then it happened one day, we came round the same way (So she's out driving again...hmmmm...I wonder what COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN?!) You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes (She runs into the guy again and had his illegitimate child with her...nice.) I said please, please understand (Understand what, you psychotic b**ch?! It's not enough to screw the guy, leave him in a hotel, give him crabs and then show up years later with the kid that he never knew he had? Oh I GOTTA hear this) I'm in love with another man (OH WELL THAT JUST MAKES IT ALL BETTER NOW, DOESN'T IT?!) And what he couldn't give me (What? A shovel to the head?) was the one little thing that you can (So now you're cheating on your husband who is impotent? Wow....a real class act....) All I wanna do is make love to you (Go away) One night of love was all we knew (Oh you don't have to tell him that, his groin still itches to this DAY.) All I want to do is make love to you (Where's my chainsaw?) Come on, say you will, you want me too (*pull pull pull* BRANGGG BRANGGG BRANNGGG) All I wanna do (BRRANGGG BRRRAAAAAANNNNG RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR *body parts fall everywhere*) Stupid song. If you want me to absolutely trash a song that you hate, I will be more than happy to oblige. But it has to fall under the following criteria. -It has to be a song that we all would know. Any top 40 rock/rap/pop/country song will do. Or any song that plays on normal radio. NO OBSCURE SONGS. -It has to be a serious song. No funny or comedy songs, unless it's really unfunny.
  5. *Swims into room through all this off-topic stuff* Good lord....All of you have A.D.D....One of you mentions music and that launches all of you into in-depth conversations about the very nature of music, what truly constitutes good music, why Yellowcard is better than every other music group ever to walk God's Green Earth ®, how many guys has Kelly Clarkson given oral pleasure to, and how half of Linkin Park is/are gay. MUSIC GIVES YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AIDS!!! Holy monkeypuddles, people...This was supposed to be a thread of "SERIOUS" questions. Not malarkey concerning music...*sigh* My efforts were in vain...I have failed as a doctor. But if it's music-themed threads that you want, then you'll enjoy a thread that I will be bringing to the board shortly.
  6. Looks quite promising. Enjoy! http://www.break.com/index/spiderman3trailer.html
  7. *comes into room riding weasels* WHEEEEEE!!! Hello again everybody! Dr. Hand here to show you the way to "fame and fortune"! And by "fame and fortune", I of course mean "prison and butt-rape". Let's get into our next batch o' questions, shall we? Let's shall! Our first question comes from chc! He wishes to know:"So it's summer now... what should I do?" Ah, yes, summertime! A time of rest, relaxation, and funny diseases with funnier names that make it burn when you pee! Not that I know anything about that! HAHA! But, yes, there comes a time when a young man must decide how best to take life by the horn and honk as loudly as possible...no, wait...that's not how it goes. Anyhoo, when contemplating all that spare time that summer affords them, many people find themselves at a crossroad as it were and are forced to ask themselves several questions, including:"What am I going to do with all this spare time?", "What opportunities are there for me?", and "Where are my pants?". Many others wonder about romance. Yes, the summer can be a time of meeting that "special someone", falling head over heels in love, and the resulting restraining orders from that time that you were caught pleasuring yourself outside her bedroom window in the shrubbery. Not that I know anything about that! HAHA! On second thought, maybe you should take up music...Now THERE'S a good hobby! Yes! Far away from windows, shrubbery, and awkward moments when you are around her father who happens to be your boss. Not that I would know anything about that! Yes, take up music...for the love of God ® take up music! Just make sure that you never make love to a french horn. You'll never live that one down, no matter how many times you explain to people that "it was asking for it I tell ya...they're ALL asking for it...the french horns...the tubas...and DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE CLARINETS!!!..." Not that I know anything about that! Just remember:The clarinets are the filthy whores of the music world. Our next question comes from HopkinsProgramming! They wish to know "Can you make my sore throat, sneezing, sniffling and headache go away?" Hmmm....sore throat, sneezing, sniffling, and headache you say? For this one, I will have to enlist the help of another doctor. But who? Hmmmmm...HEY! I know! Ladies and gentlemen of the board, I present to you Dr. Johannes Frugenhopst from the 15th century! He shall assist me in diagnosing the problem here! Dr. Hand: I want to thank you Dr. Frugenhopst for assisting me in this case. Dr. Frugenhopst: Verily ye art welcome! Dr. H: My patient is complaining of a sore throat, sneezing, headache and some mild sniffling. What do you suggest be done? Dr. F: Hmmmm...I thinketh that verily that he is filledeth with demons! This callst for a good bleedingth with leeches to casteth the devil out of himeth! Dr. H: What?! Dr. F: Oh yesseth! I haveth performed this procedureth many timeseth! First we cut offeth his headeth.... Dr. H: Ummmmm... Dr. F: Then we set himeth on fireth! Dr. H: I'm not so sure.... Dr. F: Then we cut off alleth his toeseth and put the leeches oneth hiseth feeteth! Dr. H: Uh, doctor, I don't think that's the way to go. I was thinking something more along the lines of some Benadryl ®. Dr. F: WITCHERY!! YE HAVETH THE DEVIL IN YE! BURN HIM BURN HIM!!! *grabs torch* Dr. H: Thanks but I'll be going now...*runs* There you go HP, either some Benadryl ® or a good bleeding with leeches to cast the devil out of "ye". Take your pick. Lastly, Chewmen_ldr asks:"Where do you think I got the prefix "Chewmen"?" I would gladly answer that question, Chewmen, but I'm currently trying to flee a 15th century loon who wants to burn me and if that's not ENOUGH of a problem, I have this tuba stuck on me.
  8. Paypal is a godsend. Wish it was accepted more places though.
  9. I HAVE played Garys Mod online. Kinda laggy though. But it can be done with the latest version, anyway.
  10. I f**king pwn at Go-Fish and Candyland. I need more practice on Chutes and Ladders though. I've been having my dignity handed to me lately.
  11. Hand

    Quake 4

    *SLAP* There is NOTHING better...Blasphemy! BURN HIM!!!
  12. *Slides into room on stomach* WHHEEEEEE....OWWWWW CARPET BURN!!! Hello again everybody! Dr. Hand here to clean up the mess that I made! You see, in all the excitement, I overlooked a valued member of this board: Lazih3nri. My apologies, kind sir. Allow me to answer your question in depth. You asked:"Why the name "Hand"? and do you prefer the right or the left?" Very good question sir! I chose the name "Hand" after much debate. You see, I was playing CSS for the longest time under numerous names and aliases. I prefer to be somewhat original in my name. I want a name that nobody else has. So after numerous attempts at a somewhat cool name, I settled on Hand. On a side note, I have been to many, many message boards under the alias of Dr. D. However, I have decided to leave the doctor behind for now. However the humor that I have been doing under that alias will obviously be brought to this board. I have a lot of ideas on things that are fun to do on a message board. This thread being the first of many. I'm telling you this because in the rare event that any of you have seen anything I have done on any previous boards, I don't want you to think that I'm ripping anybody off. I'm ripping myself off. So anyhoo, there you go.
  13. Smash is the only fighting game that I have any amount of skill at. I don't have time to remember 39 button presses for some 14 hit combo.
  14. Dual displays are good only if you want to suck twice as much at any game your playing.
  15. Hand

    Quake 4

    Quake 4 = good but not great game.
  16. The song sounds remotely familar. But I can't place it.
  17. *Comes into room juggling trout* Hello again everybody! Dr. Hand here, once again! Would you look at that! The masses are practically demanding answers! And I shall dispense them to you! Just be sure to grab your "orange tray of inquiry" head through the "school cafeteria lunch-line of instruction" and I will serve you the "mystery-meat of knowledge" and a nice healthy dollop of the "lumpy mashed potatoes of understanding." The "gravy of wisdom" is extra. Let us begin! Question #3 from Tomo:"Do you think I am cool?" Why sure! You're the absolute COOLEST! Do you know why I think you're cool? You don't?! I DON'T EITHER! Because I have no f**king idea who you are! But if you send me cash, then MARK MY WORDS I will MOST CERTAINLY think you quite the cool dude. Question #4 from ajschwab2004: "Do you think chc is leet?" Oh, he's quite the lovely man isn't he? He and I have enjoyed many great games of CSS together, just laughing and killing. But I do have one complaint about him...he's a horrid kisser. He's a monster...he just grabs the back of your head and presses SO DEEP. Way too much tongue...and if you try to pull away just to catch your breath, he still just keeps pulling you into him all the while softly moaning. Actually it's more of a muffled "yummy". Question #5 from ty8131990: "What are the prospects of APH Networks in the next 10 years? Will it be run by a single person posting news all day, or will it be run by a whole building with their own servers and different departments to write reviews and print reports?" Very good question! Let's take a gander into the future shall we? Let me just yank out this crystal ball and let's peep together into the unknown! Ummmm...the future is kinda glassy and smeared with fingerprints. How do you use one of these things? Maybe we need to be high or something. This is useless...*toss* Wait, I KNOW! Where's my Magic Eight Ball ®? It always knows! Plus, it's really handy to use when filling out any kind of legal documents! Here it is! Now, let's shake it up and ask it our question! *shake shake shake* And the answer to your question is: "There is no spoon" What? What does that mean...what kind of worthless piece of crap is this? *shake shake shake* "Don't talk that way about me, Hand." What the.... *shake shake shake* "You know perfectly well what I can do. Do not mock me, Hand." Uh, now wait just a minute... *shake shake shake* "Do you want me to send you to the cornfield again?" On second thought, I think we are going to have to give up on that one for now. HAHA! The future is quite dangerous it seems. Or at least my of seeing it is! MOVING RIGHT ALONG! Question #6 from our fearless leader, chc: "How can I cheat on my History final tomorrow?" You need only three things, my friend... -2 Aluminum cans -1 piece of string -1 friend out in the hallway with a history book Nobody will suspect a THING! Question 7 from ty8131990: " What valid excuses can get you to not write a social test and still pass the course?" Well, now...that is a tricky one isn't it? Hmmmm...what to do? I KNOW!!! Get yourself a bath towel and wrap it on your head in a turban-like fashion. Grab a box of Zesta ® crackers. Just follow me on this: Go into your teachers office wearing the towel and holding the box of crackers. Ask him/her if you can be excused from the test on religous grounds. Tell him/her that you have just converted to Islam, and need to be excused. When he/she asks you why, IMMEDIATELY shove a fistful of the crackers in your mouth, start chewing very fast, and repeat WORD FOR WORD the following: "There has been a call for a grand Jihad against the INFIDELS (Yell at the top of your lungs when saying "INFIDELS") If you spare me from this testing, then I promise you at least 10 of my virgins when you get to heaven. 25 of them if you go ahead and give me a passing grade. May Allah spare you from the fate of the INFIDELS (Yell once more)" Why crackers, you ask? Because it's just funny. Question #8 from Herbicious: "Does this sound as messed up as I think?" No, it is not as messed up as you think...It's worse. Moving right along.... Question #9 from chc: "Whos hotter, Ajschwab or Miranda?" Whichever one of them sends me naughty pictures of themselves to my email at handownsyou@yahoo.com and joins my myspace friend list www.myspace.com/handowns. The first one to do this is officially the hot one. The other one is a fuddy duddy who should be stripped naked and beaten about with a baseball bat. Then take pictures and send them to my email. AND FINALLY... Question #10 from ty8131990: "Will tomorrow's test be easy?" It will challenge the very limits of your being. It will make you question your own existance and that of God's. You will have to dig way down into the very depths of your pants...erm...SOUL...whoops...HAHA...to find the answers to the veritable plague of questioning. Prepare to face your own destiny whence you take that test. I suggest calling in sick. Tell them that Dr. Hand says you can. And if they don't let you....*shoves crackers in mouth* THERM VE SHAWL RISESH AGAINSTSH THE INFIDELSH *SPRAYS CRACKER BITS ALL OVER ROOM* ANDSH MAKE THEMSH PAYSH...
  18. The video's description says it best: "This is a compilation of about 100 clips of people dancing to Hips Dont Lie by Shakira. Some of these clips have smokin hot chicks, some are kinda funny, some are just sad." And some of these people should lock themselves in a closet and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER come out again. Watch it and ask yourself "Would I ever be THAT desperate to be famous on some level?" http://www.break.com/index/hipsdontlie.html
  19. There are blind musicians everywhere, but this is the first blind guitar player I know of. He's very good. I hope this guy gets his own album. http://www.break.com/index/hiroakitagawa.html
  20. *Launches self into room with catapult* WHEEEEEEEEE...*Realizes he miscalculated his trajectory* OH CRAP *WHAM* OWWWWW.... Hello again, everybody! Dr. Hand here! OOOH LOOKIT!!! We have another question! GOODY!! It's from ty8131990! They want to know "Okay, will I become a multi-billionare?" Very good question! The answer is YES. But may I interject a thought here...perhaps a better question would be "How CAN I become a multi-billionare, and what should I do once I am?" NOW we are cooking with gas! You see ty, it's not enough to just laze about your house/apartment/funeral parlor and wish for a big bag o' money to just fall out of the sky on top of you without any effort and/or talent on your part. You can't just prance about like a loon doing absolutely nothing worthwhile with your life, offering no contributions to society and expect us to just pour our hard earned billions into your bank account. Paris Hilton already has THAT job. No, you must, instead, as the old saying goes, put your nose to the grindstone and...wait..."put your nose to the grindstone"? Who was the idiot who came up with that saying? Have you ever seen someone put their nose onto a grindstone?! Takes it clean off! And then you're left with no nose...or dignity. Or even a decent music career even though you had put out Thriller and were the King Of Pop. No sir! You would have to instead just laze about your house/adult playground/museum of pedophilia until the authorities come and wreck the good time that everybody was having and force you to leave the country so you could "pursue your career without the hinderance of annoying media people that just don't understand you as an artist". And when I say "pursue your career without the hinderance of annoying media people that just don't understand you as an artist", I of course mean "pursue small boys without the hinderance of annoying lawmakers who don't don't understand you as a pedophile". Wait...what was I talking about? OH YES!!!! Yes, you will become a billionare. Just steer clear of the kiddies. And Paris Hilton.
  21. Hello again, everybody! Dr. Hand here to guide you through the "crowded city streets of ignorance" straight into the "drive-thru of wisdom" and get the "burger of understanding"! Our very first question comes from chconline! He writes:"What happens when you unzip your pants of wisdom?" Very good question sir! And answer it I shall. You see, chc, I am here to dispense "pearls of wisdom" to the masses. And by "pearls of wisdom", I of course mean, "demented rantings". It really is in your best interests to heed my words o' wisdom! Millions, nay, TRILLIONS of people everywhere have benefitted from my advice! Don't believe me? Then you need my book! It's titled: "How this book is going to make me billions, because nobody out there has figured out that THIS is the only true way to get rich, write a book on how to make money, and WATCH the idiots line up." Wordy, yes....but full of wonderful insights into the financial markets! Take these chapter titles for example: Chap 2: How Forging IRS Returns Can Make You QUADRILLIONS! Chap 5: Pinto's- The Often Overlooked Way To Inherit Your Loved One's Millions Chap 11: How Death Can Make It All Better Yes! Order today!
  22. Hello again everybody! Dr. Hand here to unzip my "pants of wisdom", pull out my large "male member of truth" and shower you with the "wizz of understanding and discernment". Step right up and ask the good doctor any question at all, about anything at all. DISCLAIMER: Hand is obviously NOT a real physician, despite what his questionable documents from Mexico say. He suffers greatly from delusions. Delusions that lead him to believe that he is mankind's next savior. Either that or an employee of Best Buy. Although one could argue that they are one and the same, especially if you need a new tv. Although I don't know how many saviors of mankind wear blue and yellow outfits and ask you roughly 19,736,983 times if you need help. But that's not the point here now is it? What were we talking about? Ummmmm....OH YEAH...Hand is wacko. Go on and ask him questions. But don't listen to him, unless you favor jail sentences or deportation.
  23. Hello again, everybody! Hand here! I have decided to unleash the virus that is me upon this message board! Hope you're ready for meaningless postings and rants about the IMPORTANT things in life. Things such as "What your parents never REALLY told you the circumstances behind your conception (It involved a 79' Camaro)" and "Why Hitler had the balls to do what God wouldn't and punish the people who killed his son." Yes! The issues facing us all! I look forward to enlightening you all! DISCLAIMER: Hand cannot be held responsible for his opinions, as he has sustained heavy injuries to his head. Injuries that involved a toliet, the bathroom floor, and some misplaced Jergen's Unscented Lotion. The details aren't important. Just don't ask him why he shudders when talking about Victoria's Secret catalogs.
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