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Hand

Ask Dr. Hand!

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Hello again everybody! Dr. Hand here to unzip my "pants of wisdom", pull out my large "male member of truth" and shower you with the "wizz of understanding and discernment".

 

 

Step right up and ask the good doctor any question at all, about anything at all.

 

 

DISCLAIMER: Hand is obviously NOT a real physician, despite what his questionable documents from Mexico say. He suffers greatly from delusions. Delusions that lead him to believe that he is mankind's next savior. Either that or an employee of Best Buy. Although one could argue that they are one and the same, especially if you need a new tv. Although I don't know how many saviors of mankind wear blue and yellow outfits and ask you roughly 19,736,983 times if you need help. But that's not the point here now is it? What were we talking about? Ummmmm....OH YEAH...Hand is wacko. Go on and ask him questions. But don't listen to him, unless you favor jail sentences or deportation.

Edited by Hand

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Hello again, everybody! Dr. Hand here to guide you through the "crowded city streets of ignorance" straight into the "drive-thru of wisdom" and get the "burger of understanding"!

 

Our very first question comes from chconline! He writes:"What happens when you unzip your pants of wisdom?"

 

Very good question sir! And answer it I shall.

 

You see, chc, I am here to dispense "pearls of wisdom" to the masses. And by "pearls of wisdom", I of course mean, "demented rantings". It really is in your best interests to heed my words o' wisdom! Millions, nay, TRILLIONS of people everywhere have benefitted from my advice! Don't believe me? Then you need my book!

 

It's titled: "How this book is going to make me billions, because nobody out there has figured out that THIS is the only true way to get rich, write a book on how to make money, and WATCH the idiots line up." Wordy, yes....but full of wonderful insights into the financial markets! Take these chapter titles for example:

 

Chap 2: How Forging IRS Returns Can Make You QUADRILLIONS!

 

Chap 5: Pinto's- The Often Overlooked Way To Inherit Your Loved One's Millions

 

Chap 11: How Death Can Make It All Better

 

Yes! Order today!

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*Launches self into room with catapult* WHEEEEEEEEE...*Realizes he miscalculated his trajectory* OH CRAP *WHAM* OWWWWW....

 

Hello again, everybody! Dr. Hand here! OOOH LOOKIT!!! We have another question! GOODY!! It's from ty8131990! They want to know "Okay, will I become a multi-billionare?"

 

Very good question! The answer is YES. But may I interject a thought here...perhaps a better question would be "How CAN I become a multi-billionare, and what should I do once I am?" NOW we are cooking with gas!

 

You see ty, it's not enough to just laze about your house/apartment/funeral parlor and wish for a big bag o' money to just fall out of the sky on top of you without any effort and/or talent on your part. You can't just prance about like a loon doing absolutely nothing worthwhile with your life, offering no contributions to society and expect us to just pour our hard earned billions into your bank account. Paris Hilton already has THAT job.

 

No, you must, instead, as the old saying goes, put your nose to the grindstone and...wait..."put your nose to the grindstone"? Who was the idiot who came up with that saying? Have you ever seen someone put their nose onto a grindstone?! Takes it clean off! And then you're left with no nose...or dignity. Or even a decent music career even though you had put out Thriller and were the King Of Pop. No sir! You would have to instead just laze about your house/adult playground/museum of pedophilia until the authorities come and wreck the good time that everybody was having and force you to leave the country so you could "pursue your career without the hinderance of annoying media people that just don't understand you as an artist". And when I say "pursue your career without the hinderance of annoying media people that just don't understand you as an artist", I of course mean "pursue small boys without the hinderance of annoying lawmakers who don't don't understand you as a pedophile".

 

Wait...what was I talking about?

 

OH YES!!!!

 

Yes, you will become a billionare. Just steer clear of the kiddies. And Paris Hilton.

Edited by Hand

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You can't just prance about like a loon doing absolutely nothing worthwhile with your life, offering no contributions to society and expect us to just pour our hard earned billions into your bank account. Paris Hilton already has THAT job.

 

lol! :)

 

And shes looking for more!!

http://www.last.fm/music/Paris+Hilton

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Fifth question: What are the prospects of APH Networks in the next 10 years? Will it be run by a single person posting news all day, or will it be run by a whole building with their own servers and different departments to write reviews and print reports?

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*Comes into room juggling trout*

 

Hello again everybody! Dr. Hand here, once again!

 

Would you look at that! The masses are practically demanding answers! And I shall dispense them to you! Just be sure to grab your "orange tray of inquiry" head through the "school cafeteria lunch-line of instruction" and I will serve you the "mystery-meat of knowledge" and a nice healthy dollop of the "lumpy mashed potatoes of understanding." The "gravy of wisdom" is extra.

 

Let us begin!

 

Question #3 from Tomo:"Do you think I am cool?"

 

Why sure! You're the absolute COOLEST! Do you know why I think you're cool? You don't?! I DON'T EITHER! Because I have no f**king idea who you are! But if you send me cash, then MARK MY WORDS I will MOST CERTAINLY think you quite the cool dude.

 

Question #4 from ajschwab2004: "Do you think chc is leet?"

 

Oh, he's quite the lovely man isn't he? He and I have enjoyed many great games of CSS together, just laughing and killing. But I do have one complaint about him...he's a horrid kisser. He's a monster...he just grabs the back of your head and presses SO DEEP. Way too much tongue...and if you try to pull away just to catch your breath, he still just keeps pulling you into him all the while softly moaning. Actually it's more of a muffled "yummy".

 

Question #5 from ty8131990: "What are the prospects of APH Networks in the next 10 years? Will it be run by a single person posting news all day, or will it be run by a whole building with their own servers and different departments to write reviews and print reports?"

 

Very good question! Let's take a gander into the future shall we? Let me just yank out this crystal ball and let's peep together into the unknown!

 

Ummmm...the future is kinda glassy and smeared with fingerprints. How do you use one of these things? Maybe we need to be high or something. This is useless...*toss* Wait, I KNOW! Where's my Magic Eight Ball ®? It always knows! Plus, it's really handy to use when filling out any kind of legal documents!

 

Here it is! Now, let's shake it up and ask it our question!

 

*shake shake shake*

 

And the answer to your question is: "There is no spoon"

 

What? What does that mean...what kind of worthless piece of crap is this?

 

*shake shake shake* "Don't talk that way about me, Hand."

 

What the....

 

*shake shake shake* "You know perfectly well what I can do. Do not mock me, Hand."

 

Uh, now wait just a minute...

 

*shake shake shake* "Do you want me to send you to the cornfield again?"

 

On second thought, I think we are going to have to give up on that one for now. HAHA! The future is quite dangerous it seems. Or at least my of seeing it is! MOVING RIGHT ALONG!

 

Question #6 from our fearless leader, chc: "How can I cheat on my History final tomorrow?"

 

You need only three things, my friend...

 

-2 Aluminum cans

-1 piece of string

-1 friend out in the hallway with a history book

 

Nobody will suspect a THING!

 

Question 7 from ty8131990: " What valid excuses can get you to not write a social test and still pass the course?"

 

Well, now...that is a tricky one isn't it? Hmmmm...what to do? I KNOW!!!

 

Get yourself a bath towel and wrap it on your head in a turban-like fashion. Grab a box of Zesta ® crackers. Just follow me on this: Go into your teachers office wearing the towel and holding the box of crackers. Ask him/her if you can be excused from the test on religous grounds. Tell him/her that you have just converted to Islam, and need to be excused. When he/she asks you why, IMMEDIATELY shove a fistful of the crackers in your mouth, start chewing very fast, and repeat WORD FOR WORD the following: "There has been a call for a grand Jihad against the INFIDELS (Yell at the top of your lungs when saying "INFIDELS") If you spare me from this testing, then I promise you at least 10 of my virgins when you get to heaven. 25 of them if you go ahead and give me a passing grade. May Allah spare you from the fate of the INFIDELS (Yell once more)" Why crackers, you ask? Because it's just funny.

 

Question #8 from Herbicious: "Does this sound as messed up as I think?"

 

No, it is not as messed up as you think...It's worse. Moving right along....

 

Question #9 from chc: "Whos hotter, Ajschwab or Miranda?"

 

Whichever one of them sends me naughty pictures of themselves to my email at handownsyou@yahoo.com and joins my myspace friend list www.myspace.com/handowns. The first one to do this is officially the hot one. The other one is a fuddy duddy who should be stripped naked and beaten about with a baseball bat. Then take pictures and send them to my email.

 

AND FINALLY...

 

Question #10 from ty8131990: "Will tomorrow's test be easy?"

 

It will challenge the very limits of your being. It will make you question your own existance and that of God's. You will have to dig way down into the very depths of your pants...erm...SOUL...whoops...HAHA...to find the answers to the veritable plague of questioning. Prepare to face your own destiny whence you take that test. I suggest calling in sick. Tell them that Dr. Hand says you can. And if they don't let you....*shoves crackers in mouth* THERM VE SHAWL RISESH AGAINSTSH THE INFIDELSH *SPRAYS CRACKER BITS ALL OVER ROOM* ANDSH MAKE THEMSH PAYSH...

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*Slides into room on stomach* WHHEEEEEE....OWWWWW CARPET BURN!!!

 

Hello again everybody! Dr. Hand here to clean up the mess that I made! You see, in all the excitement, I overlooked a valued member of this board: Lazih3nri. My apologies, kind sir. Allow me to answer your question in depth.

 

 

You asked:"Why the name "Hand"? and do you prefer the right or the left?"

 

Very good question sir! I chose the name "Hand" after much debate. You see, I was playing CSS for the longest time under numerous names and aliases. I prefer to be somewhat original in my name. I want a name that nobody else has. So after numerous attempts at a somewhat cool name, I settled on Hand. On a side note, I have been to many, many message boards under the alias of Dr. D. However, I have decided to leave the doctor behind for now. However the humor that I have been doing under that alias will obviously be brought to this board. I have a lot of ideas on things that are fun to do on a message board. This thread being the first of many. I'm telling you this because in the rare event that any of you have seen anything I have done on any previous boards, I don't want you to think that I'm ripping anybody off. I'm ripping myself off. So anyhoo, there you go.

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