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Mindovermaster

my story/book I'm working on

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I've been working on this for awhile now, picking at it ever y now and then, writing new chapters, fixing old ones, etc. I wanna know what you think so far. It may not describe the characters very well, but ill get that in. :P

 

Little background:

 

This story was based off a RPG game that me, my cousin, and many others played on Neopets, and then moved to a free forum. It was originally an old dragon rider comic, but then after the previous owner left, we created Dragonia Isle. I then passed it onto forums, and i died there, when our free hosting went bye bye.

 

 

Enjoy!

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No offense, but in my opinion:

 

1) Too much dialog for application; or otherwise inappropriate or odd application

2) Too literal to various extent and in many aspects

3) Intro is too vague and not detailed, poorly done setting and character presentation

4) Mechanical use of descriptions; unable to draw and capture reader

5) Use of literary devices to enhance meaning is not present

 

Tons of work, yo. :P

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oh, I knew i had alot of work still to be done. i just wanted to get to the part where i rescue Nikolai, after that, i can elaborate on everything else. it will hopefully become a book in a couple years

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The introduction feels like I'm reading the bible. So short and to the point, no in-depth details. If you could make the introduction into 20 pages and elaborate it nicely, put in some like action and suspense, that would be a lot cooler and would draw the reader in.

 

Another note, I'm more into past tense writing, so for me the use of "present-tense" writing, or whatever you wanna call it, is unfavorable. As chc said, there's also a whole lot of dialogue, and not enough narrative IMO. But that's a lot of effort you've put in so far, so good job.

 

EDIT: Later parts also feel "bible"-ish, so I would say don't rush to get to the good parts you really wanna write. Take your time and make sure you elaborate stuff and it's always nice if you create complex sub-plots and create suspense and wonder. But again, you can't have too much going on.

Edited by APH-Alex

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I didn't read the whole thing, because reading "books or stories" is not really my thing.

 

From my brief read of it, and glancing over parts here and there, it looks like a good start. As you say MoM, just need to elaborate further to describe the environment, so that readers can envision it. Although again, I don't read books/stories lol.

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The introduction feels like I'm reading the bible. So short and to the point, no in-depth details. If you could make the introduction into 20 pages and elaborate it nicely, put in some like action and suspense, that would be a lot cooler and would draw the reader in.

 

Another note, I'm more into past tense writing, so for me the use of "present-tense" writing, or whatever you wanna call it, is unfavorable. As chc said, there's also a whole lot of dialogue, and not enough narrative IMO. But that's a lot of effort you've put in so far, so good job.

 

EDIT: Later parts also feel "bible"-ish, so I would say don't rush to get to the good parts you really wanna write. Take your time and make sure you elaborate stuff and it's always nice if you create complex sub-plots and create suspense and wonder. But again, you can't have too much going on.

Bible is pretty Detailed if you ask me, its a narrative in most Areas and poetic in some cant compare to the stories non narrative Dialog lack of detail.

 

Keep working though I would Love to read it :P

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