AMD processors reported to be used by teens for ".GIFing"

// 2008 April Fools News Piece #1

From APH Networks: Everyone knows how kids are, always so experimental so likely to believe anything that they see on the internet. Well, recently Intel, the leader in the market for computer processors at the moment decided to conduct a survey to see who exactly the public believes to be dominating the processor market. As we all know, the Core 2 architecture of current intel processors is far superior in comparison to all other completion [AMD].

What better range of people to conduct a survey upon than the youth of today right? Well that was exactly what the brilliant marketing team at intel was thinking when they conducted this survey. Here is a little bit of information about the survey taken directly from Intel's statement about the project:

General age: 9-21
Sex: 87% Male 13% Female
Location: All major global cities: Vancouver, Toronto, Washington, Austin, London, New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Tibet, Paris, Cairo, Athens, Rome, Mexico City, Moscow, Helvetia

All asked: Which processor manufacturer, would you say that in your opinion, is currently dominating the market and the competition: AMD or Intel?"

This is all very interesting, and obviously some of us more tech-savvy users here on the internet who are always up to serious business (the internet r serious business after all) would agree that "Intel" is the correct answer to the question. However, the public disagrees. Intel found that 89% of users asked, most being between the ages of 9 and 16, thought AMD to be the current dominator in the market of computer processors. Now, you may be asking yourself questions such as, "How could this be?" or, "Where's the cow level?" but don't worry, the people at Intel were asking themselves the same questions, and they were determined to find the answers.

With all the marketing going on for Core 2 processors at the moment, one would think that this line of processors is as popular as air. Well, it's not. The guys who invented air were real innovators and they hit the market at the right time because air is still popular, and it's use doesn't seem to be decreasing. They hit a real pot of gold with that one. However, the use of Core 2 processors is slowly catching up, but why does the public seem to think AMD is dominating? Well, the reason is... coming right up after this short break.

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After doing various tests, Intel discovered that no, it's not global warming's fault this time, in fact the problem at hand is the large amount of drug consumption present in the lives of the public. Yes folks, it's drugs, that's why people are so confused. However, it's not just the common over-the-shelf kind of drugs like marijuana and crystal-meth. It's actually something rather more "hardcore", and until today, it's been a very well kept secret. This drug is called "Gif". It first started being distributed in Mexico by a man named, "Dr. Héctor de pwnzús Ruiz". The drug is very common among groups that refer to themselves as, "AMD fanbois" but recently the drug has gained a wider scale of popularity. The use of this drug is commonly referred to on the street as, "saving it as a .GIF". The actually drug itself is called a ".GIF".

The process of "giffing" involves taking an out-dated AMD processor and dropping it in a jar of Koala bear prespiration. After which it is left to ferment in the sun for several days. Ideal fermentation is reached when the processor reaches a nice golden brown. Once fermented, the processor is minced into a VitaMix blender until it resembles really really crushed up powder. After this, the powder is put in a saucepan and left to boil along with 5% of it's weight of milk. This mixture is left to boil for around 10-15 minutes and then poured into a cup and left to cool. Once it is cooled and the mixture is hard, it is put in a pipe and is smoked.

The effects are incredible. To be able to fully explain the effects of "saving it as a .GIF", I had to try it myself. So I did and I must say that it is the most unbelievable thing in the world. You know that what you are feeling is false and is only a fantasy but it seems so real, there's a hope that the feeling will continue but once over, you're left with an empty feeling. The amazing high that I reached was quite incredible. What happened was that I was using a computer with an old AMD processor while I was "saving it as a .GIF" and I actually had the impression that the AMD processor was fast! I know, it's sounds almost unbelievable that an AMD processor would seem fast to someone such as myself who has only been using an Intel Core 2 Extreme QX9770 for the past year and a half. But it's true, I was multi-tasking and rendering many high resolution animations and on my 7th 30" monitor I was playing Crysis with a DECENT fps. Obviously the sensation went away after I was done but I must say that it was an experience to remember.

"Saving it as a .GIF" might sound all dandy and fun, but it's really not. The experience of using AMD processors just became unbearable unless I was "saving it as a .GIF". In fact, I had to switch back to my QX9770 to get a small glimpse of what I was experiencing. Also, there are many negative medical side-effects that occur such as a drousy feeling and the loss of the ability to distinguish gender. This side effect is often referring to as "not supporting semi-transparent pixels". It's truly quite horrible, and to think that our kids are using this drug.

Well parents, we have compiled a little list of methods that can be used to find out if your kids are "saving it as a .GIF." Watch out for slang terms and expressions that they will use when communicating to their peers. Some will say things like, "Hey, I'll just save it as a .GIF and send it to you" or, "I love saving it as a .GIF but the lack of support for semi-transparent pixels annoys me" or even, "Dude, I'm giffing my freaking balls off". If you see your kids doing anything suspicious with Koala bears and/or AMD processors, please alert the authorities. Now, for the safety of our youth, Intel has asked that all AMD processors be banned so that our children do not consume them, and we fully support this. Please help us to rid this generation of this horrible plague and get rid of AMD processors once and for all.

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